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Last year it was the Field in Chicago, but this year the hubbie, the kids and I are taking the family wagon to the Creation Museum in Kentucky! Here - in this $27 million 'creationist disneyland' - we will learn that the universe was created in six 24-hour days a mere 6,000 years ago and we definitely did not 'evolve from monkeys.'  While we are in this beautifully-crafted Garden of Eden, we will see a naked, buffed and tanned Adam and Eve swim in a river while giant dinosaurs and lizards roam the banks.   We - the fallen - will be spared the sight of their nudity, however, for their genitals will be covered by lily pads and Eve's hair will strategically fall over her ripe, gorgeous breasts.  We won't even question how it's possible that dinosaurs co-existed with humans, for we will have been told that dinosaurs were created on the sixth day and it was only after Adam and Eve were cast out of paradise did the dinosaurs start to eat flesh.   (Apparently, T Rex had such big teeth to open coconuts, I have learned from media sources, and chameleons change colours not because that serves as a survival mechanism, but to 'talk' to other chameleons, to show off their mood, and to adjust to heat and light...)  I can only hope that Adam and Eve were also vegetarians and maybe they too changed color to 'talk' to each other.

This is all given.  It's God's Word over Human Reason.  "Prepare to Believe," is one of the museum's slogans, but I still have a few questions I need to ask.  Human reason aside - the consequences of primal sin I know - I can't seem to stop my monkey brain from being sexually curious.  Mr. Christian Curator, I will ask, "How did sex change after Adam and Eve were expelled from paradise?"   "Did they have sex in paradise? (innocent, monkey-ass, roll-around-the-sand-bank kind of sex while coconut-eating dinosaurs watched?)"   "Did the sand in their bums bother them?"  "If T Rex all of a sudden started to eat flesh once he left the Garden of Eden, what did good ole Adam start to do once he was kicked out of paradise?  Did he get 'all dom" too?"  "What was going through Eve's mind when she bit into that apple?"  "Was the Tree of Knowledge also the origin of the erotic imagination....  the origin of sexual fantasy and role-playing?"  "Was the snake, then, a metaphor for sexual desire, lust and aggression?"

Somehow, I doubt the museum curator will answer my questions and we'll be kicked out of paradise once again.  We'll return to a land where the universe is billions of years old, fossils are remains of animals living hundreds of millions of years ago, and life's diversity is the result of evolution by natural selection.  We'll return to a land where George Bush is still in power and 45 percent of Americans believe the Genesis account of creation is a true story.  We'll return to America - a land of sin, temptation, and good-ole, Darwinian-style monkey-ass sex.

(This picture is from "Inside the Creation Museum" Salon.com, Photo © 2007 Monica Lam)